Riding On Faith

This week has been a crazy ride.

For the past couple of months, my husband has been having …eh, we’ll just say “issues” at work.  He has been trying to give all he can, but has not been given fair treatment.  He is in the construction industry, running a job that is scheduled to finish up at the end of the month.  After much thought, prayer, and lack of cooperation from them, he put in his notice Wednesday that he would not be moving on to the next job after this with his company.

Did he have another job lined up before he did this? Nope.  Did we agree that regardless, he could not continue working for them and keep his sanity?  Yes, we did agree on that.

Time out.  Do you know that FEAR of not knowing where your paycheck is going to come from?  Oh my goodness!  That fear can downright control me for days!  It nestles itself right up in all the corners of my brain, lodges itself right over my heart and at the bottom of my throat, and anytime I am not actively doing something, it just CONSUMES me.  Yes, it’s true, even though I know God has an awesome plan and He always has, I still have this huge financial insecurity where I freak out on those around me and get straight up crazy.  I am not perfect, I am usually just trying to remember to rely on God half the time, and the other half of the time I am doubting and second guessing everything, and those closest to me, mainly my husband, can see me unraveling at the seams.  I think that is why he has always known when I need to be reassured and taken care of when things are up in the air, because it is glaringly apparent.

Now, you have to understand, I went through losing my son to cancer, and all that that two years entailed, so there was always something up in the air, and always a lot of faith required.  For some reason the big things, the life threatening, life changing, catastrophic challenges are SO much easier to get through relying on God.  I think it’s because it is so far out of your hands, and you are so powerless, that there isn’t much other choice than to trust His plan, so it comes naturally; just “Lord, please take this…” easy peasy.  However, it’s the smaller, more day to day, mundane things in life that we try to control and fix, forgetting that He is in control of ALL OF IT, the big and the small.

So, back to this stressful week:  My husband decided to put in his notice and begin looking for another job to line up for the start of September.  Meanwhile, we have plans to go to a concert last night, a gift for him from Father’s Day.  So, while he is getting ready to go, he is telling me about his day, most of which have been rough and full of drama lately, and he looks at me with a this-is-one-of-our-crazier-ideas-smile and says, “We’re just riding on faith, babe.”  Now, yes, he was grinning, and I think part of that is because it is an amazing feeling to put your life in the Lord’s hands, literally the most freeing and love-filled action you can take.  So, I think he was actually a little bit excited to see what God had in store, and I am too, believe me, I love our Lord to no ends.  (BUT, yes there is a “but” coming, and I know that as a faithful believer, there should be no buts) However, I was instantly filled with a bit of anxiety.  I know to trust, but I faltered.  I did reach for my oils, almost instantly.  While he finished getting ready, I was oiling up.  I actually made a blend of every stress relieving oil that my reference book noted if I had it, I think there are about 12 oils in that bad boy, and I rolled it on, and rolled, and rolled.  And then put it in my purse for later.

The book of James says “you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.” (James 1:6-8)  This is one of my memorized verses, there is no excuse for me people, I know better.  But you know what else?  I am so human!  And even though it says I should not expect to receive anything from the Lord, I still do, every single time, because our God is JUST THAT GOOD.  He forgives my doubt and fear, and chooses to bless me anyway!  Goodness, I love HIM.

So, we go to the concert, and I kid you not, three seats away is one of my husband’s former bosses and he offers him a job on the spot.  So, my husband explains that he is in the middle of this summer project, due to wrap up soon, and the guy says no problem, call him when he’s ready.  Can I just say this again… huge concert, thousands of people, THREE SEATS AWAY!  THREE!!

Then, as if that is not enough of a huge blessing, it gets better.  My husband gets a call today, two days after he put in his notice, and finds out today is his last day.  The company feels the need to terminate him early.  It still wasn’t really clear why other than if he is ready to go, they think it is time to part ways now.  So, instead of having two weeks to find a job, he has a day.  Seriously?  Yes, seriously.  So, he calls up the guy from last night, sets it up, and he starts Monday.  Yes, MONDAY.  Praise Jesus!!!

This “amazing, gotcha covered even if it doesn’t look like it, why do you even stress Andrea, don’t you know how much I love you?” God of ours has a PERFECT plan EVERY time!  This is not the first time this has happened, nope, not at all.  I have had my husband call me and literally tell me, “Honey, bad news is I got laid off today, good news is I start with so-and-so Monday, no need to stress, babe. God’s got it covered.”  I know I can trust my husband’s ability and reputation; he has so many contacts and work available to him.  In that I have no doubt because I can see it and it is evident all the time.  So why, when every single time, God has never let us down and instead pulled us through everything, do I have this doubt and fear?  Why do I trust God with my marriage and my children, but still wonder if he is going to take care of our finances?  I don’t know, but I know if I had truly turned my whole life over to Him, I would not have financial insecurity any longer.

So, as I was sitting here overwhelmed with the emotions I am having – sadness and anxiety over the last job, gratitude and hope for the next, faith and awe for the circumstances God aligns, trust for my husband to continue to support us – I felt the need to write.  To give God some praise and glory for the amazing way that He loves us.  And I know that I am not perfect, I never will be, and God loves me anyway.  I will have fear, I am human, but I also have faith.  I thank God he gave my husband to me to help me when I am insecure, and in the same way, I can lift him up during his seasons of doubt.  I’m so grateful we remind each other WHO it’s all about.

I also get the blessing of taking away from this whole experience that there is still work to do on me.  I have some serious steps to take to rid myself of financial insecurity.  This is absolutely an opportunity for spiritual growth that I am going to work on.  James also said, “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12)  This is my trial.  It may not be a sick child dying, may not be depression or addiction, those are my past trials.  My trial today, which the Lord has made clear over the last week, is handing over my whole life, all aspects, even the bills and the next paycheck.  Because, honestly, nothing is guaranteed, so all we can do it trust.  That’s what I will be working on, trusting with my whole heart.

The Lighted Path

I got into a conversation last week with a couple of my neighbors.  We were talking about raising our kids up to make right choices and stay away from sin.  My kids are young, all eight and younger, but I believe it starts now.  My girls know right from wrong, they know the rules of the house, but are they really sinning when they disobey or are they just being kids and testing the boundaries?

I believe it’s both.  Yes, they are sinning.  Yes, they are making mistakes and they are consciously choosing to lie, be mean, or disobey.  And yes, they are just being their age and seeing what they can get away with.

So, how should I respond, what should I do as a parent?

Well, this week in particular, we sat down and talked about being appropriate with our bodies, and keeping our hands to ourselves.  My six year old thought it was funny to be patting her older sister’s butt continuously, and they erupted into a fit of giggles.  Is this a big deal?  No, it’s not.  Kids will be kids, and anything to do with a butt is immediately funny.  However, we have a rule in our family that we keep our hands off of other people’s private areas, and we also don’t let others touch ours.  So, the problem was not so much that they thought it was funny, but that they knew it was against the rules and did it anyway.

 This prompted a discussion about where our choices lead.  And believe me, that hour long lecture was far worse than any other punishment I could have inflicted, I’m sure.  But we talked, and I told them the truth.  I spoke to them like they were perhaps a bit older than eight and six years old.

You might wonder why this is important to me.  You might be thinking I am over reacting.  I hear that often, so it would not really surprise me, but here’s why this is a big deal to me.  At some point they are going to be faced with a hard moral decision.  They will have to ask themselves if they should do what they know is right, listen to their parents, and follow God’s path, or if they should give in to peer pressure, allow or encourage breaking the rules because it’s fun.

I know because I’ve lived it.  I was faced with those tough moral decisions, and I chose wrong.  I made a lot of mistakes, and I sinned a lot growing up.  I did not know then how easy it would be to go from one instance of breaking the rules, to continually making poor choices on a daily basis.  I know now that once you’ve lowered your standard of living and decide to accept poor choices for yourself, it gets easier and easier to continue to lower those self standards.

So, where does that lead us?  Well, I’ve asked my girls to “play the tape out.”  If they choose today to go against what I tell them, and they keep doing that, little by little, over the years, it’s going to be harder and harder to do the next right thing and easier and easier to lie and cheat.  You have created for yourself a sense of momentum that is difficult to stop and turn for the better.  However, there is hope!  If you choose instead to make the right decisions, continue to say no to sin, and choose what you know in your heart is the right thing to do, the momentum will again continue, and it will become second nature to be good, to tell the truth, and admit when you’ve made a mistake.

So I asked them, “Honestly, what kind of person do you want to be?”

There is an old story about each of us having a good and a bad wolf that lives inside us; they are battling to the death.  When the storyteller was asked which one lives, he simply replied, “The one you feed.”  This is true!  Whatever you are putting in to your day-to-day life is what in fact you will become!

So, do I think I can stop my kids from growing up and making poor choices?  No, that’s insane; they are human beings and will always make mistakes.  I do, however, think I can warn them and prepare them for those decisions, help them to see where certain things are mistakes and to not just accept that because our culture says they are okay.  Give them hope that they can make the choice to do good, and be good, and they don’t have to give in to what may seem popular or fun at the time.  Most of all, give them a mother who believes in them so much, that they know in their hearts I am always going to guide them down the lighted path and be here to help them clean up the mess when they go astray.

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”  1 John 1:7.

Aggravation Is So Aggravating!

Have you ever played the game Aggravation?  It’s great!  A friend brought it to a cabin last year, and after that I had to have it, and I got one for Christmas.  It’s pretty simple, you move marbles around a board and try to get all of yours safe while also sending your opponents’ back to start.  Here was my aggravation experience last night…

First of all, I have a really nice Aggravation board, and it is super special to me.  I happen to LOVE board games, I am kind of, maybe, sort of, just a little bit competitive.  My mom found this one on ETSY, and the quality is just amazing.  So when I opened it to find that there was a black and a white marble missing, I was so upset.  My kids had played with it last week at a family member’s house, and I believe they lost them, though I am not positive.  I was upset, I actually walked away and took a break and started a different blog post, which I decided to put on hold.

Then, after I had gotten over the fact that this was my fault (my kids are young and can’t keep track of their own game pieces, so I should have double checked if this was that important to me), I decided to play with everyone last night.  When I say everyone, I mean my sister-in-law, my eight year old, my six year old, and even my almost-three year old.

This was a challenge.

Have you ever tried to get three kids to focus on something past their bedtimes, and continually telling them to be quiet because there are people sleeping?  Yeah, that wasn’t going so well.  It was so frustrating!!  They would get sidetracked so easily, they were giggling about everything, and trying to get my two year old to roll the dice without immediately picking it up before it even stopped rolling was a crazy feat!  It took her about 3 rolls EVERY time just to get a number we could see!  Not to mention trying to teach her a game and have her move in the right direction and follow the right path.

So, what did I do?  I grabbed my oil bag, that’s what.  I started putting on Young Living’s Peace & Calming II and also oiling up my kids.  I needed a change in my perspective.

Once we were all oiled up, I sat back and tried to think of the times my family would have a game night.  It was the best!  Our favorite games where my parents would play too were Taboo, Pictionary, or cards.  And I thought about how this one night’s bedtime, this one loud and distracted game, and those two marbles should not take away the joy I was witnessing!  It was so great to see all of my kids engaged, and working together, and for crying out loud, not fighting!  It is absolutely amazing when I see my 16 year old sister-in-law choosing to hang out in the mountains away from the malls, her friends, and good cell service, to enjoy family.  There was just so much for me to be grateful for in that moment.  And that’s honestly what it came down to for me last night, remembering to live in the moment and be grateful.

I thank God for the time I have with them and thank God that I get to be a stay at home, homeschooling mom.  Thank God that they want to have fun with me still, because at some point, that will change, and I will be missing it.  I know it is these times they will look back on when they are grown and remember family game nights as this crazy, fun, distracted time full of love.

I am grateful for perspective, and not losing my mind just because I lost my marbles.